Dealing with Death: Part I

I have never been able to deal with a loss very good.

And the older I have gotten, the worse my ability to deal has gotten, due solely to my second-by-second melancholic increase. I no longer hold things or people in contempt as much as I try to hold everything at face value, accepting otherwise unsavory characteristics as just microcosms of a much larger whole. Besides, our smallnesses make up our bignesses. At least in my world it does.

So when we stand together in front of a mighty oak and you are asked “What do you see?”, your response explains your being and how your view shapes who you are, whether you are who you THINK you are or not.

As a result, I like to think that I see the oneness in many, and the minutiae in detail, however rhetorical that sounds. I can appreciate, plain and simple. I think that is why losing this family friend has affected me far more than I like to admit, to the point of being confused as to why.

My confusion rests in this: Whether I want to admit it or not, and as much as I have tried NOT to be this way, I see my father many times when I look in the mirror. Not in a bad way, but in the way he deals and has dealt with these types of issues: from a distance; never getting too close so that it affects his outward persona. I have seen my dad cry only twice. Once was when I was 3 or 4 and his mother had died. He loved his mother, as all sons should. The second time I won’t discuss, because it is a private moment shared between just him and I; a moment that culminated 30 some odd years of striving to hear the words “I am proud of you” from an otherwise non-emotional, non-attached, non-responsive person. But he’s my hero…………..still………..

My confusion as to how to deal with this is caught in the crossfire of letting my emotions run amok and riding my horse into the sunset in my best Marlboro Man (MM) impersonation. I am confused because I am not alone, ala the MM, yet is it un-MMly to cry, to feel, to expunge the hurt and pain I feel for the immediate family and for MQ? Should tears flow freely, unabashed by the preconceived (often mis-) conceptions that society places on the do’s and don’ts of gender specific events? Can I still be strong for MQ if my emotions ebb and flow like the tides?

I say YES, profoundly……KMA if you don’t agree